What do I value? This is the question I was asked right before I started to climb up a telephone pole. Once at the top of the pole, I would stand up on the very top and jump off. What do I value?
Minutes later I was clinging to the top of the pole, wondering if I had the nerve to risk all and stand up on the 8 inch diameter pole 40 feet in the air. Finally I pulled one foot up. Balancing with my hands and left foot,I slowly began to bring my right foot up. Soon I would have to let go with my hands and balance only with my feet on this swaying piece of wood. Slowly, ever so slowly I brought my right foot up. Almost there, the wind began to blow. It was hard to keep balance. I knew I had to make a decision quickly whether or not to continue.
I asked myself, “Why in the world am I doing this?” If I quit and climbed back down I would be thought of as a coward by my peers standing down below who were watching my every move. I had to go on. I could not live in the midst of my peers if I did not finish. The very thought of being called a coward was repulsive.
At last, I had both feet on top of the pole and stood up to my full height. A roar of triumph escaped my lips. Goal one was complete, but now I had to move on quickly. Directly in front of me about 6 feet above my head and several feet out was a trapeze bar. Goal two was clear, I had to jump and grab the bar. If I missed the bar my life would be over. Or would it?
What would happen if I didn’t get the trapeze bar? It seems obvious enough, I would fall. My self-worth would be shot to pieces knowing I failed in doing something others could do. Somehow I would feel I wasn’t good enough, or even that I was no good. Come on, anybody can jump, it isn’t that far. I was finding value in what I could do, in how well I could perform. And if I messed up or failed, I would have no value.
I jumped off with no idea what would happen next. In the few moments that I flew through the air many emotions surfaced. Anticipation. Hope. Excitement. Triumph. Anger. Failure. My right hand almost wrapped around the bar, but fell just short. All my hope and value were crushed in one moment. I fell. I failed. This was the end of my life.
This is not how I am called to live as a child of God. God’s love goes way beyond my performance, which is very a good thing. My performance has a limit, God’s love does not. I need to realize this and take refuge in it. No longer does my life need to be ruined when I fail.
I fell only a inches before the belay team standing on the ground stopped me. My harness held. The top rope belay system took the shock of my fall. I was lowered to the ground safely.
There is a freedom in not finding my self-worth in my performance. When I do fall “the harness” of God’s love catches me. It was holding me the entire time. It really doesn’t matter to God that I couldn’t complete the goal. At first glance this makes it seem as if I don’t even have to try. Indeed, why would I if I knew God loved me no matter what? So in a since, this ideology makes it harder to try hard. I am okay with that. I like to try hard. However, my reason for trying hard is different now. No longer for my self-esteem but to push myself and grow.
WoW! I am so impressed. I sat reading this with my mouth agape and my eyes huge…thinking…oh my goodness please dont think your self worth is on your achievement in earthly goals and look for approval in the face of your peers! What joy I had to find at the end you learned a lifelong lesson that many christians may never know and you have even discerned how to apply that knowledge wisely. Be Blessed and may the Lord’s word keep you in all your ways in Jesus’ name.
That’s awesome Garrett!
Not falling off the pole, but that you learned that it doesn’t really matter what you do or how it turns out so long as you do it for God.